Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
