Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
