i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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