"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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