I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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