tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So many bounce houses so little time
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
