Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
