Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
