Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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