Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
