I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
