you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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