Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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