Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
