Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize