Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
