She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
