Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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