I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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