One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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