omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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