So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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