your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
