Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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