Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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