my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you win again, gameday.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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