why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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