I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
