Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
