Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
