I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
