I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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