Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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