wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
