We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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