He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
