Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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