I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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