I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
