first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
