You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
