i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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