apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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