"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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