Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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