the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
