why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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