I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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