I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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