tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
