I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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