I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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