I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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