I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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