I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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