I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
