Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
