where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
