True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
