do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
