My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
