He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
