none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize