The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
