Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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