im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
